Question

When I ran a division of a big media company a couple of years back, a member of staff came to me to say his team leader had “stolen” his girlfriend and that he couldn't work with him any more – and that his colleagues were disgusted at this man's behaviour. I said I was sympathetic, but there was nothing I could or should do about it. I subsequently left the company and thought no more about it until I read about the England football team manager sacking the captain, John Terry. I must confess to amazement. Did I get it wrong?

Executive, male, 45

Lucy's answer

No, you didn't get it wrong. The team leader didn't steal the girlfriend; she simply decided to trade in the junior team member for the senior one. I can see that the underling might not have been happy about it. I can see it might have given him reason to loathe his boss, but I really don't see that it was your concern. The team leader may (or may not) have acted in a caddish manner in the market for women. But this does not affect his value in the labour market at all.

In fact, I'm not sure if there is anything nasty that one person can legally do to another outside working hours that would require the intervention of a manager. It is only if such things start to damage performance at work that you have to intervene – and you don't say whether this was the case. Perhaps you quit too soon to find out.

Frequently, managers have to deal with situations when one person finds that they can't work with another because they can't disguise their deep antipathy. Then the manager has to decide whether to bang heads together and tell them both to sort it out, or whether to move one of them. The only reason for disciplining the team leader would be if, as the victim claimed, the entire team now viewed him as such a cad that they were no longer prepared to work for him. In that case you'd have to get rid of him – not because of the girl, but because he couldn't lead the team. But I'd be very surprised if this turned out to be the case. Even if the team was made up entirely of religious fundamentalists who felt unusually protective towards him, they would still have had to whip themselves up into a state of moral hysteria for work relationships to have broken down so badly.

The John Terry affair was quite different, and was shaped by a public storm of phoney moral outrage. The decision to sack him had little to do with girlfriends or football or leadership or morality. Instead, it was made largely by the media, which had suddenly decided that the captain of the England football team must be a role model not only to his team but to the nation.

The true lesson of this story: be thankful that you work in the media rather than being at the mercy of it.

Your advice

Corporate pimping

It isn't a boss's job to mediate squabbles arising from what was said down the pub or who slept with whom at the weekend. Otherwise, it would lead to the honeytrap scenarios of the cold war. Rather than sleeping your way to the top you could get your partner to sleep with your boss for you, then have them removed. Corporate pimping? Perhaps.

Male, anon

False distinction

Do we think this situation would be different if a client's girlfriend had been “stolen”, and if so on what exact basis do we justify the distinction?

Male, anon

Cathartic discussion

Ask this member of staff if he would like to discuss the matter openly with the team leader in front of you, dwelling on the impact on team morale and efficiency. To get it all out in the open could be highly satisfying and cathartic.